My heart is very full tonight. I think there are a lot of reasons for this and, with your patience, I will attempt to voice them.
I think, particularly as a teenager and on, that I have had a difficult time fully trusting the Lord to direct my life. Not because I don’t trust him. I have had a sure knowledge of my Heavenly Father my whole life. This has kept me safe and allowed me to weather some difficult times without being too burned by the results of my own and other’s actions. It must be tied up with pride somewhere. But it’s also a fear of not being in control. Of not knowing what’s next and what I need to do.
It panics me. Not being able to draw up a list that details the next events of the day, week, or year. How am I going to be prepared when I don’t know what’s coming?
But as my life has progressed, the Lord has made his will known pretty strongly. I had planned the college I was going to. The Lord let me know, as sweetly and directly as he ever does, that I was going somewhere else. I was smart enough to follow his direction. Then I was married to my amazing husband. I am starting to think that the Lord wanted to make sure I married him, so he introduced us when I was 12. And now, in our tenth year of marriage, it has just become plain that my trial to overcome in this life is to be able to give up control.
The first test was in trusting the Lord that he had a timetable for our children to come to this earth. So many friends and family find this approach unfathomable. I know that most of their reaction is out of love and concern for us, given that I have fibromyalgia and a bad back. All I can ever say is that, while many are not given this direction, we are. And we have had constant reassurance and proof that He knows when our family needs to grow. However, it is still hard to follow. Again, with the control thing.
We’ve had any number of tests to teach us that He has, really, quite excellent plans for us. Heck, we moved in a month to Idaho from Utah on the prompting of the Spirit. And lived in the town that I now want to retire in. Whenever Matthew has needed a job, no matter how desperate the situation seemed, something has appeared. And in such a way that we know it could only be another blessing from the Lord. After we were married, he was unable to find a job until the day we found out we were pregnant with Laura. That’s part of the test of our faith, it appears. Waiting until the…very…last…moment. It really plays havoc with the nerves.
So, in keeping with the grand lesson of my life (if I get this licked I get translated, right?), I have once again been told by the Spirit to give up the control. This time in homeschooling. I’ve realized that I’ve been driving myself crazy believing that I have to be responsible for every bit of education that my daughter receives. An incident just a couple of days ago allowed the Lord to speak to my heart about what His daughter, both of His daughters, need in this homeschooling.
Laura decided all on her own that her backpack needed organizing. She laid it out on the table and went at it without needing a jot of input from me. She then went from there to independently work on her spelling words. Then she worked on her report about the caves of Lascaux. After which, she ran up to her room to pull out her violin and start practicing. And I sat there wondering, ‘Well, what do I need to be here for?’ It was gratifying. But very humbling.
There is a post I read recently that came at just the right time to synthesize everything I’ve been feeling in my heart. In discussing her awkward, wonderful, and creative daughter, she stated that somethings don’t need to fixed. In fact, some things aren’t broken to begin with.
My daughter has her difficulties. But she’s not broken. She’s her.
I love her.
Now, I need to trust her.
So she can come to trust herself and her Father in Heaven.